Frenemies

I am having a bit of drama with a sort of friend. I say sort of because she was once one of my best friends, and though we are no longer anything resembling close, we were BF4eva (heh) on and off for close to seven years. But I don't know what me and, let's call her Elasticgirl, are anymore.

The history
We haven't spoken, apart from one text, since a group night out at Christmas and that was grudgingly. Elasticgirl and I have always had our problems. I, and the vast majority of our mutual friends, have long moaned about the whiplash engendered from her dumping us for months while she wafted off with better friends. But her friendships never lasted she would come back drunkenly declaring that we were the best friends a girl could ever had. I got sick of being the back-up friend. The one to go back to when her other cooler friendships weren't working out (translation when they got sick of her bull and buggered off). She had very strict rules of friendship which I never seemed able to live up to. Which would be understandable if she operated under the same rules she judged others under. But behaviour that would have been unconsciable in others was fine if it was her. I realised that to Elasticgirl the rest of us were just handmaidens: Elasticgirl was the goddess. And god help you if you ever paused in your unadulterated worship.

There were other things: whenever we introduced new people into the group we were always having to explain her behaviour to them. Elasticgirl can be a bitch, and not always in an amusing Joan Collins way, but in a flat out rude way. But when people responded in kind she would get massively offended. Her skin was like tissue paper, fragile, easily bruised and torn.

I can't help think that a bit of this was our fault as a group. For accepting her as she was, for never challenging her. We let her know it was OK to treat us like that and so she did.

But the thing that really irritated me was the endless times she cancelled on me. Time after time with terse frankly rude text messages. No apologies, no offers to rearrange just 'I can't make it'. For example four new years in a row we would make plans and she would call up depressed on New Years Eve saying how she didn't want to go out. I'd spend hours on the phone trying to convince her for her to insist she wanted to stay in, only to find out the next day she had gone out with other friends.

So I grew petty, I stopped arranging things, cancelled on her once just to see if the friendship survived if I stopped making an effort.

It didn't.

Apart from a tense conversation in a restaurant our friendship died not with fireworks but with a mutual severing of contact.

The problem
Elasticgirl and I are part of a group of friends which means even if I wanted to excise her completely from my life I couldn't. We all live in different towns so mostly I see the friends I want to see one-on-one or in a couple of smaller groups so Elasticgirl and I rarely interact.

This weekend I was heading home so I texted BestestWestest and Shakiraboy to arrange a casual meet up. I've been a crappy friend to Shakiraboy recently and I was really looking to make it up to him. He asked if I had invited Theformerblonde which I hadn't so I texted to invite her. All well and good.

The Shakiraboy posted something on my facebook profile about how he was really looking forward to meeting up. I felt a little uneasy, but reasoned its no big secret. Then when I was talking to Tattoogril I realised in my absentminded way I had forgotten to invite her so I did. So this casual 'hey, I'm back home lets meet up.' snowballed into a big group meet-up sans Elasticgirl publicised on fb. Salt meet wound.

Which undoubtably is a dick move. I know, I know.

So, of course, she passive aggressively comments:

'Awww I am at work
Or would have loved an invite to see you all. Nevermind eh!'

And I am a loss as to how to respond. Because on the one hand, yes it is awkward that I invited everyone else but her.

But, and here's the rub, I didn't want her there. Whatever we are we are not friends anymore and I did not want that stilted awkwardness ruining my time with my real friends. Just because she is close with other members of the group doesn't mean that she gets an automatical invite when I'm hosting. You get an invite, by er, being my friend.

But there's no way I can say that to her without being a bitch.

I've learnt my lesson next time I will try and keep all events private and off facebook. But I spent seven years tiptoing around her neuroses and I don't fancy having to spend the rest of my life doing so. I'm sorry she's hurt. But its not my problem not anymore.

I don't hate her. I don't even dislike her (despite what this lengthly postmorton suggests). When I look at old photos I miss what we had, even as I know we will never get that back. I want her to do well. I want her to be happy. But I also would prefer it if she did that far, far away from me.

And this has been way too long and emo even for me. I've been thinking about whether I should even post this. It seems too personal to put out there. But I keep on thinking that when you break up with a guy there are accepted rituals. Ice-cream. Crying. Long, long conversations with friends. But when you break up with friend, who in some ways knows you better than any man ever could, there is no accepted outlet. And that's wrong.